“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you.” – Erich Fromm
Am grateful to have been loved before passionately, to have loved too then and now. Simply because I have been liberated every single time. The first time I fell in love, I was young and inexperienced with simply an ideology that, “…people just fall in love” and it took two hearts. Just as I was, armed with those two components; I walked in the room and there she was, in a Black Elegant designer dress wearing a Glamorous Smile J with a very attractive aroma originating from the perfume on her. Smiling, and left speechless I hugged her and there, an intense feeling of deep affection and deep romantic attachment swept me off my fit. I guess one can say, “I fell in love at first sight.” We had known each other from the online class we both attended. Drawn to her by a combination of her characteristics, qualities which formed her distinctive character. Which I was able to know thanks to her distinct meaningful use of words both speech and writing, I was hooked. That’s was just the beginning of falling in love cause it takes a lot more than just two components.
This kind of thinking has caused a lot of emotional pains to many out there and that’s why I want to talk about building love in a simple way. We when two love each other, usually they start what we all know as a relationship but due to lack of knowledge we make mistakes and end up Emotionally Blackmailing each other. Society has defined the rules of engagement (relationships) and hence we face challenges such as playboys and games women play, am sure you all have an idea. We fail to communicate to each other and resort to “What and If” Building assumptions and moving into action instead of simply Asking and seeking Truth. We resort to “May and Be” giving room for other options and prolonged waiting instead of making our Yes or No more clear. We prefer to say “Soon and Shall-See” giving root to impatience and less confidence yet time and decision beget each other if well set. We keep hurting each other simply because we think love is an automatic process. No, it’s not, even after falling, one still has to get up and walk.
What then can we do differently to build love? When you let someone into your life, know that this is not a cloth, toy, or any piece of equipment. This is a Whole Person, from different backgrounds, different name, body, spirit, soul, and personality. It’s HUGE!! But, the two of you somehow have to complement each other. Yes you like each other, fell in love. What next? Cause those two won’t sustain the both of you! Here are some love building components to use;
God: Being human means we are Spirit and Soul (our emotions, feelings, and thinking) which make a person living in a body. And yes, created in the image of God. But who is God, we are told by the book of wisdom that God is Love, therefore before you think of loving, think of God and have His favor is all your ways. In all unions, He is a firm foundation for what He puts together no one separates.
Understanding; have insight and good judgment. As explained above, you are different human beings, therefore, seeking to learn who your partner is. You can do this before or during. Let them know who you are and come to an agreement on what both of you will be where shortfalls exist. (You + I = US/We)
Patient; Be able to accept or tolerate differences and delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. Give the time for change it is needed, provide leadership (in other words, be exemplary) where there is a weakness in another. If you know your spouse is untidy, show him or her -an example by simply cleaning after them… it takes time but they soon get it. That’s patience.
Kindness; Cultivate, have or show a friendly, generous, and considerate nature at all times. Yes, all times even when you are mad, try. Give without expecting, share without conditions, always feet yourself in their shoes before you act to know if it’s good for you then make it happen for them.
Protects; never standby when your mate is being attacked, either physically, verbally, emotionally, financially, spiritually by others or even by you. Be the safe heaven, defender, and council.
Trusts; it is earned, so never demand it. However, you can learn to firmly believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of your mate. Accepting them as your truth without evidence or investigation. And believe them to be responsible.
Hopefulness: before you trust, protect or even fall in love you hope it’s mutual. It’s a feeling for the best even when the worst presents its self, it’s a belief that everything will eventually be alright. It’s a getaway car to fulfilment and joy in adversity.
Perseverance; for two to come together, a steadfastness is needed despite difficulty or delay in achieving oneness or change. Sometimes you may not need it for yourself but rather for your partner.
Be Fan To Be Around; Create a comfortable environment around you of Rejoicing, humor, truth, and cool activities such as travel, eating, singing, dance, or what you both like. Expose each other to your worlds at ease in a very interesting manner. For you to have such an environment, you must not keep a record of wrongs or even be easily angered. Don’t indulge in acts that are harmful to one another. However, in a comfortable, it is very tempting to be boastful or show off in pride, be careful for this sows seeds of envy and jealousy. That’s self-seeking and is dishonoring to others, avoid it, be what we call down to earth. It’s not always about you… so give other room to express themselves in words or actions without being offended.
In short, love is a process, a series of action, a build-up of habits, a decision and most importantly, “Love is built!” Like any building, there must be a strong foundation, firm material components as pillars and filled with the day today bricks (acts) and cement to hold it together. If your love is cracked, you can renovate it, if yours is faded, you can rebuild it, you don’t have to move to a new place (person). Use what you have got. Love builds, love is a process. Go, light your world.
By Emmanuel Wabwire