Too much happening around that I feel am going crazy. Finishing pending projects and tasked to start new ones. With all the unwanted habits at their fullest peek, yet it’s at this time around where I am meant to least expect them. The pressure is so top to the bream that I no longer realize the great successes I have made in my career, personality, business and family life. I totally understand now how Peter felt when he was drowning yet walking towards Jesus at the same time. It seems the confusing dilemma of failure & success, have turned into my prison of misunderstanding.
One can not believe how you can have two jobs, great pay, a rapidly growing business, losts of friends and partial masters scholarship in an international university but still fail to be fulfilled. My friends have graded it (my life) as top success, some have said am super blessed. But deep down, a voice is shouting sounds of disapproval & disagreement just because I did not reach my set goals. Well, just as open as this article is today, I choose to have my thought as well… “I frankly don’t give a damn what goals I have not achieved!!” I personally have achieved a lot with the most little luck I could ever have of late.” ( **may be if I tell it to my self, I may feel better** )
I have made just about the biggest mistakes in life a few weeks ago, and the most scaring thing is that I don’t feel bad at all, its like I just turned into a villain (this creeps me out) ***am I turning into a horrible mean person due to the rough paths I have been taking lately*** Why don’t I care anymore like I used to? Why am I not sensitive anymore? Am breaking so many rules that I don’t know who I am anymore!! Am at that point in life where am questioning literally everything! My mission, purpose, goal, path, dreams, desires, solid needs and even beliefs. Don’t want to say am wreck because am flying just fine, but does sure feel like I am. I swear, I can not really tell whats holding everything together?* Everything is just falling in place with no single effort or commitment from me. All I have done is to simply wish for the best… but just as weeds in the garden creeping up together with the heat, so are my troubles inter-mixed with my blessings.
I went to an extent of even buying T.D. Jakes’s book, “Can you stand to be Blessed?” I hope to find the answers there… all through the year, I thought I was well prepared for all this but am starting to wonder. How can I put some order in all this? How can I take all steps with out slipping down off-road? All these answers I must get before the year ends. The pressure to succeed is just too much that lifting a hand to begin is now difficult. My enemies… my enemies… friends too… chose to rise against me seeking my failure! Oh how I wished they all failed earlier this year! But guess what?! They all failed. Am still here, still blessed, on my way to my destiny ( don’t know how am doing it… but oh well, am making it ) and I aight scared of anyone else plotting against me. Frankly speaking, I now know, I can do bad all by my self ***thanks Mary J.B.*** Am tired of of giving up today and having fresh energy the next morning only to give up again!
My kindle is full of great books to read, and I suspect these books contain answers to all my questions or at least most of them. Come to think of it, my failure to have time to do what am meant to do at the right time and right place is my problem. Someone told me a few days ago that I have no focus, and am starting to think they were right*** in my opinion, I just feel am losing focus due to many preoccupation on my mind.*** I care so much about who likes me, who I make happy, who I feed, who’s problems I can help, which friends to keep, and oh my God! who I am meant to date or make my girls friend, **** I swear, relationships or dating are just to much work, especially the searching game.**** frankly speaking, if my life had a remote, I would just fast-forward the searching and dating part. People pretend a lot and play hard to get. Not knowing, seasons have changed. I just don’t have that much time to chase after someone, if by now you have not said yes, sorry… this article is just the closing mark! I don’t care if I was almost getting there.
Am giving and giving, a looooooot!, time, money, attention, care, forgiveness, understanding, expertise, character, in all-i am giving my best. Oh, thats was not bad until i discovered what I was receiving in return, disappointments, postponing of appointments ( if someone does not value the time you give them, and they keep postponing, its a clear indication of your value to them… drop them!!), all I see around is frustration. The people you least expect to care, actually care and value all you offer. But those you actually give it all to, they seem to take it for granted. Its for this reason, I chose to do a reboot and close all un-used applications or people to be specific. Because what am suffering from is simply “Compassion Fatigue”
Enough is enough now! Am measuring what I can take in, no time for passerby’s, no time to revisit dead relationships or call them ghosts (people who where once in your life but you broke up with) I mean business here, and won’t tolerate any sort of resistance wether from friends or family… or even least of all, enemies. Whatever you bring along, I will crush you. Oh this I promise. Am breaking free.
PS: Am still a very God fearing and loving person, Jesus Christ is my Lord and savior and I say no to Bullshit!!